He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
