John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The air was thick with penises
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
