i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
