In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
