I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
