so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
