is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
