You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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