Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
