Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
