I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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