how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
