Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
im six kinds of drunk right now
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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