If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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