Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
