i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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