Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
