I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
