what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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