I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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