Need sex. Gaining weight.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize