Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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