Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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