his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
