remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize