shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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