Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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