Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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