my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
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