happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
