Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
