Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
