I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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