Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
