Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
