apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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