He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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