If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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