my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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