Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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