she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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