I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
