i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
