I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
