I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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