I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
