Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
