if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
