If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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