Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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