In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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