After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
