Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
