I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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