just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
