normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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