I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
