The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I look excited, but its just a facade.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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