I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
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