he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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