i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
