no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
